So, this was a chat I had with Paul

Paul: dude, im sleeping on the couch tonight

Shamelessly stolen from Paul. Funniest stuff I’ve read in a long time.

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6.04pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

Thankyou for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my ‘to do’ list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.

I have read through your list of chores and intend to rectify the situation by wrapping my entire body in eighteen rolls of super absorbent Thick’n’thirsty® paper towels, hosing down the apartment, then rolling around on the floor and rubbing myself up and down walls. I will cover the more stubborn marks with Liquid Paper. I will also get back to you in regards to the premises being inspected in another two weeks, my agreement to do so will depend on availability and not wanting to.

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9.41am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Inspection Report

David

I suggest you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. You will not use a hose in the apartment. I have never heard of anything so ridiculous and it is not just about the marks on the walls – the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke.

Peter

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10.26am
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsabre being swung in a space too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double handed overhead attack and the fitting, being fitted, didn’t. I will grab a matching replacement $12 fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny iron board or glass tea light.

The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and special guest. As my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks like someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head and being found dressed that way so she left after only a few dances and a brief, but full of promise, kiss. You should come one night, it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer because you are small and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one.

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

David

I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls.

Peter

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4.02pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

I apologise for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version which you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down and think “That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into, I must be huge.”

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5.12pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

David

Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease. I suggest you take this matter more seriously as we have also had noise complaints regarding your premises.

Peter

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6.27pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean as the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week though. I do not wish to be evicted as I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in the one spot brings me a feeling of comfort and safety. Although the wood printed linoleum and IKEA light fittings only go so far in disguising an old apartment in a old building on a busy and extremely loud main road, the daily culling of plague proportion cockroaches gives me something to do in my spare time and it is good to stay active. I class the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment.

I purchased one of those electronic cockroach things you plug into the wall which is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring but while it seems to have reduced the numbers, others have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. Cockroaches would no doubt be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning though so will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odourless gas so should not prove an issue for my son’s cub group sleepover. I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self aware between now and when the lease runs out.

I also need to purchase a new vacuum cleaner before I can start cleaning as I used my current one to suck up a large spider a few weeks ago and I am afraid to pull out the sock I shoved into the end of the pipe to block his exit in case he is sitting in there waiting and getting more pissed off by the day. A few months ago while I was at work, a spider ran up my arm. I threw myself backwards from the desk onto the floor and rolled around thrashing while undressing to make sure the spider was not in my hair or clothes. Unfortunately I was in a client meeting at the time with a company that sold cleaning products. If the meeting had gone better they would have proven quite handy at this point.

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams
Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease – the choice is yours. Do not email again unless it is of a serious matter.

Peter

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.36am
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Nom nom nom